For anyone with an older parent, hard conversations may be in your future: about money, housing options, caregiving responsibilities and even about relationships. These conversations are difficult enough when everyone agrees. But they can become heated and fraught with tension if there’s disagreement or if your parent has diminished decision-making capacity. As best as possible, you’ll want to maintain trust and a positive relationship. Yet that may be hard to do in a moment of crisis. Some reasonable advice? Both a recent blog post from the American Counselling Association and a recent piece from journalist Judith Graham highlight a number of valuable tips: First, it’s not that one person is right and the other is wrong, nor is it about winning the argument. Rather, it’s a time to listen on both sides and be on the alert for the emotional turmoil such conversations may surface. These conversations can’t be rushed- they need to evolve over time. So the earlier you start, the better off you’ll be. 

Money matters may be some of the most challenging conversations to be had with an older adult. Many adult children have never spoken with their aging parents about financial matters and whether their parents have the means to support themselves through the end of their lives. A recent piece in The New York Times provides some useful talking points to help start such a conversation. These may be long, ongoing discussions, to solicit information as well as develop strategies if money will be a problem for your parents. You can also add to your resource list this recent book by financial journalist Cameron Huddleston, which provides a comprehensive framework to conduct such conversations: Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk: How to Have Essential Conversations with Your Parents About Their Finances. 

Unfortunately, what you may inevitably find out is that your aging parents need not only your love and support but also your cold hard cash to get through the later years. A recent survey by AARP found that ⅓ of midlife adults were providing financial support to their aging parents, even at the cost of their own financial strain. As a senior editor at AARP was quoted, “(This support)…It’s really for the basic necessities…This is not about helping Mom and Dad take another cruise.” Strategies for addressing this? They range from determining the cause and amount of the financial shortfall to figuring out how to provide support without risking your own financial health. Perhaps even determining if other family members can help. One other option? Having mom and/or dad move in with you. While that’s no laughing matter, you may find yourself chuckling if you watch the new Fran Drescher show “Entitled”, which is about precisely this scenario.