It’s no secret that friendships– perhaps even more than romantic or family relationships- are critical for keeping yourself healthy, both physically and mentally, as you move on into your later years. But as we’ve also previously said, friendships typically just don’t happen- they require effort, intention, and even active pursuit (ask Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin!) What factors make it more likely that a friendship will form? Friendships may start by accident- you find yourself next to someone interesting, or you begin to chat with someone at a meeting you’re attending- and something “sparks,” somewhat akin to the beginning of a romantic relationship. As was written in a recent article on long-term friendships in The Guardian, “We become friends with one another because there is something we like and have in common with someone,” including educational background, hobbies, spiritual or political perspectives, or cultural tastes.

But unlike marriages or family relationships, which may continue on even if somewhat neglected, friendships, particularly in our later years, require tending and nurturing- they won’t automatically exist unless both parties acknowledge and reciprocate the relationship, as the philosopher Aristotle made clear. How can you nurture, sustain and support your friendships, especially if time or distance means regular coming together is challenging? Psychologist and author Marisa Franco (author of the well-received recent book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make–and Keep–Friends) recommends four strategies for strengthening adult friendships: communicate your gratitude and affection for the friendship, use your talents and skills to be a generous friend, share your vulnerabilities to create a deeper connection and be your authentic self, even if conflict or disagreement arises. For more on Dr. Franco’s friendship advice, watch her recent TED Talk here.

For older men, in particular, forming and sustaining friendships may be especially difficult, as they may lack the comfort or confidence to nurture the sustained conversations that good friendships require. As one man commented in a recent Telegraph article on why men lose friendships in midlife, “To truly like a person, you need trust, and that requires emotional investment – an increasingly rare commodity as you age – so as old friends fade away, they cannot simply be replaced. The space to build trust with newcomers is just not there.” Interestingly, 71-year-old writer Leonard Felson recently described his own attempts to renew or create friendships as he realized how few friends he had. He describes several attempts to reconnect with long-estranged friends, along with opportunities to meet new friends, through participating in new groups, attending meetings, and accepting social invitations. As he himself was told by a relationship expert, “Reaching out isn’t going to meet with enthusiastic responses every time…It’s more like getting up to bat. You’re not going to hit the ball every time, but sometimes you are. And many people will be thrilled to hear from you or that you reached out or happy that you suggested a walk. Some people won’t, and that’s okay. You move on.” 

One final tip on older male friendship: The Wall Street Journal recently profiled another opportunity for older men to make new friends. By working together in woodworking “sheds,” the Men’s Shed Association hopes that older men will both build new friendships while also working collaboratively to create products for persons in need in their communities. Working side by side, it is hoped, will create the bonds and intimacy that typically lead to long-term friendships. As the motto of the Men’s Shed Association makes clear, “Men don’t talk face to face, we talk SHOULDER TO SHOULDER.” Whether by words or by deeds, older adults can make and sustain deep friendships, but sustained, intentional effort and pursuit may be needed to make this happen.