Rosalyn Carter, wife of former President Jimmy Carter, has spent decades advocating on behalf of family caregivers. She is credited with stating one of the essential truths about caregiving today: “There are only four kinds of people in the world. Those who have been caregivers. Those who are currently caregivers. Those who will be caregivers, and those who will need a caregiver.” In essence, few families with older adults can escape the need for a family caregiver at some point in the late-in-life trajectory. Who actually provides that care for an aging relative, and how the responsibilities are shared, is another matter. We do know that about ½ of the 53 million family members in the US currently providing unpaid care are adult children of ailing parents or parents-in-law.

Not all families have multiple members who can help with caregiving, and even among those that do, not all family members are willing or able to step up to the plate. Take, for example, the case of adult siblings and an aging parent in need of care. Hostilities or tensions may exist between grown-up siblings even prior to the need for caregiving for an aging parent. Whether due to festering resentment over birth order, parental favoritism, jealousies, or even estrangements, siblings may be hard-pressed to put aside their emotions for the good of an ailing parent. Asking everyone to come together in a time of crisis may not lead to a good outcome. As aging expert Carolyn Rosenblat reminds us, “The goal is not to fix broken relationships.” Rather, the goal is to find a solution that allows the needs of the parent to be met, even if the wounds from the past remain.

And the popular press is full of examples of certain siblings who take on the lion’s share of caregiving while others refuse to lift a finger or expenses that are unevenly apportioned when some siblings clearly have more resources than others. For example, a recent “Ask Amy” column in the Washington Post addresses the topic of different siblings and different economic resources, while a recent post in Marketwatch asks whether some siblings can get monetary compensation for the caregiving they performed while their other siblings did nothing to help. Fortune posted a story of siblings left permanently estranged due to drastically different levels of burden for parent caregiving. There are no easy solutions to these sorts of dilemmas, no written “rules” that everyone is obligated to follow. While there are professionals who can try to mediate these sorts of sibling disagreements, the reality is that each family has to find its own unique ways to solve dilemmas when providing care to an aging parent.

There are many experts who provide tips on how to avoid these disagreements in the first place, or to at least structure caregiving responsibilities in a way that plays to each sibling’s strengths and recognizes the reality of what each sibling can do. For example, Daily Caring has a post entitled “6 Ways To Improve The Situation When Siblings Don’t Help With Aging Parents.” Among the recommendations? Set your expectations realistically and don’t expect equality of shouldering responsibilities. Rather, focus on what each sibling is able to do or contribute. Also, realize that no one is a mind reader or can understand the needs if they are not explicitly explained and help is requested. Few of us have expertise in this realm before we’re actually thrown into it, so don’t assume another sibling understands what’s going on if they’re not in the trenches with you. Along those same lines, the key is open and ongoing communication. Regular updates of the latest information and changing circumstances among all siblings are critical. To help in this communication, there are many apps available to keep the information flowing and up-to-date, including Lotsa Helping Hands, Caring Village, and Care Bridge. There are also useful checklists available so that each sibling can look for tasks suitable for his or her level of ability and commitment. For some examples, take a look here  or at this checklist from Happy Healthy Caregiver. And for more useful ideas on how to facilitate cooperation and contributions among siblings, read here.

Finally, psychologist Barry Jacobs recently posted a recommendation when all else seems to fail in securing the caregiving cooperation of a sibling. His idea? Write “The Letter,” that is, make a final appeal through a straightforward, old-fashioned hand-written letter that spells out specific, manageable tasks for the sibling. The shock of receiving such a letter, and a tone that is calm rather than combative might just be enough to grab the attention of this wayward sibling- and even facilitate a path toward some level of contribution.