So how was your Valentine’s Day? Did you get to spend some quality time and conversation with your special someone? Did you take a break from the daily demands to show your admiration and appreciation for your long-time partner? Or, if you’re back out into the dating world, did you open yourself up to the possibility of finding a good person with whom you could build a relationship? No matter which, or neither, you’re never too old to refresh ongoing relationships or initiate new ones. As Cher once said, “If grass can grow through cement, love can find you at every time in your life.” 

The recent survey of agebuzz readers revealed that 40% of our subscribers are married, 25% are widowed and another 20% are divorced. That means that a large percentage of our subscribers have tried their luck at marriage. But in fact, it’s not just luck if a long marriage is happy and fulfilling. Especially for long-term marriages, it takes conscious work and effort to ensure the relationship stays fresh and connected. Experts have many recommendations on how to achieve this. For example, in a recent post from Greater Good Magazine, relationship experts recommended several intentional strategies to “make something old new again.” That “newness” includes finding something new that the 2 of you can explore together- be it a hobby, adventure, or even just a new restaurant. And while you’re making plans, set aside a bit of regular time to also make new “rituals” for the 2 of you, which allows you to regularly reconnect amidst the tumult of everyday life and creates a connection for you to be there for each other. Included in that connection should be what the authors call “specific appreciation,” meaning communicating the benefits and joy you get from words or actions undertaken by your partner. And if you fight (which every couple does): the recommendation is to acknowledge the other’s point of view and think about what your position is obtaining for you. In fact, well-known marriage experts Arthur and Elaine Aron (themselves married for 50 years) have “rules” for arguments: they give each other several minutes to speak uninterrupted to each other, and then leave the conversation for 24 hours before coming back to it. This gives each partner time to hear the other and contemplate their own position and what makes sense. The Arons, who together developed the famous “36 questions that lead to love” which was featured in a New York Times Modern Love column several years ago, have additional foundational advice for sustaining long-term relationships. Among their ideas? Not only appreciating each other but appreciating the differences that together form your union. And above all, according to the Arons, there needs to be respect for each other, even more than love, in the long term. 

A recent Washington Post column added to this list for lasting relationships. Among its recommendations? Shift your long-term relationship from one of “managerial” connections (where you’re keeping track of the everyday activities and lists that run your life) to one of gratitude and gratefulness, where appreciation becomes the connection that sparks a positive cycle for you and your partner. Instead of paying attention only when things go wrong, instead, take note of what’s going well and express your appreciation for that. And similar to the “ritual time” suggested earlier, experts quoted in the Washington Post recommend a “weekly state of the union” conversation, which can include noting how things are going well, what issues need to be resolved, and how you can better care for each other the following week. As American author Sam Keen has said, “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” So work at seeing your imperfect loved one as best as you can.

And for those of you courageously dipping your toe back in the dating waters? A little helpful support. First, Think Advisor recently published a list of the 12 best states for single older people, based on such criteria as health and well-being factors, financial factors, and family demographics. Willing to move to find love? The top state for single seniors was found to be South Dakota! For some closer-to-home options, check out the new list of Best Dating Sites for older adults from MindBodyGreen.