The writer Paolo Coelho once wrote, “Friendship isn’t a big thing—it’s a million little things.” The value of friendships throughout your life, but especially as you get on in years, is truly underestimated. Both your physical and mental health benefit when friends are an integral part of your life, not only to dispel loneliness and social isolation but for stress reduction, improved cognitive functioning, increased fitness levels (did you know having an active friend will positively influence your own sedentary lifestyle?) and for more general life satisfaction. In fact, according to the Harvard Study of Adult Development (whose lead researchers have a brand new book out next week- The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness), strong relationships, including friendships, are essential for a happy and long life. So having and making friends is clearly something to treasure but it’s not always something to count on. 

The perennial question for older adults is, of course, how to make (or sustain) friends, especially when the natural networks of school and work are no longer options for meeting new people. The first reality you must accept is that making friends can be hard work. It often requires intentionality and attitude to put yourself out there in circumstances where you can meet people with whom you may have shared interests. In a recent post, psychology writer Meg Selig listed 12 ways to make new friends in mid-life and beyond.  She suggests a “can do” attitude with regard to creating friendships, including taking responsibility for organizing gatherings, inviting yourself into existing groups, joining regularly scheduled groups (like book groups or church groups), and reconnecting with old friends. As she makes clear, not everyone needs a best friend. In fact, as she states, “It’s great to have one special friend, someone with whom you can share your deepest feelings, but it’s not a requirement for happiness. You can enjoy a variety of people for who they are and for what you can learn from them.” If you’re reluctant to be bold, a recent article from Catherine Pearson in The New York Times may help. Her science-based advice includes assuming that people you encounter will like you (we tend to underestimate how well-liked we are) and if you’re open and kind, you’re likely to get that in return. Or, as a recent article in the Wall Street Journal urges, don’t overlook the value of taking a friendly initiative with a stranger. After all, everyone you’re now friendly with was once a stranger to you.

Travel writer Carol Stigger provides her own personal experience of making new friends when she moved from Chicago to a southern beach town in her 70s to live out her dream of living near the ocean. Not knowing anyone in her new town, she was forced to create a new social network. Her advice and experience of creating new friendships in her later years?  First, as others have underscored, creating friends at a later age does not come easy. Stigger comments, “It turned out to be a project that took commitment and the ability to handle rejection without pouting.” Still, she persevered and offers such advice as getting a library card (she ended up developing programs for the local library), creating a business card to hand out so people can remember and connect with you, and considering joining a house of worship that feels comfortable. 

There’s also a growing trend of intergenerational friendships, underscoring that age is not necessarily the best indicator of whether someone would be a viable friend. For example, a recent article in The Guardian highlighted intergenerational friendships that can surface when the parties find common interests. As the author made clear, “If you find a like-minded person- and that’s a real gift in life- age doesn’t matter.” Or consider the friendship of an 86-year-old woman and her 28- year-old business partner who run a wallpaper business together. Or finally, the odd but enduring friendship of 83-year-old actress (and now TikTok star) Annie Korzen and her 31- year-old friend and partner Mackenzie Morrison, who share a love of thrift shopping and together have made Korzen a TikTok star with over 400,000 followers. Given the value of friendships for our health and well-being, it behooves us all to be open to friendships whenever and wherever they can be found.