There’s no doubt that tremendous demographic changes are occurring in the size and shape of families, both in the United States and around the world. For sure, fewer babies are being born. The Wall Street Journal reports that economic and social obstacles mean 15% fewer babies are being born in the US now even though there is a 9% rise in the number of women in prime childbearing years. Moreover, a new report in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences paints a disturbing portrait of what’s happening. In the coming years, changes in both reproduction and longevity will mean that each of us will have fewer relatives, and at the same time there will be an increase in older adults. So, fewer younger people in the workforce will contribute to the economic development of our country or pay into government systems that support older adults, and more older adults will need caregiving support, with fewer younger informal family caregivers to count on. It certainly sounds like a recipe for tension and trouble in society. Families will become more “vertical” rather than horizontal, meaning more generations will live at the same time but with fewer members of an extended family, such as cousins.

For older adults, these demographic changes also herald a new phenomenon: fewer older adults will become grandparents. For many, this will bring about a colossal sense of loss and despair. To many, becoming a grandparent is a chance to experience once again many of the joys of parenting, along with creating a special bond with one’s own children. This will upend many expectations about retirement years, purpose in life, and even family relationships. Inevitably tensions will arise between older adults who long to become grandparents and adult children who have made the decision (or had the decision made for them) that children are not in their future. As one not-to-be grandparent said, “People have an identity in their mind for themselves which is not going to happen.” This may also cause tension with peers who dote over their grandchildren, or anxiety about the end of the family lineage.

However, there may also be older adults who find their lack of grandparenting status liberating. They will be able to pursue whatever retirement dreams they hold without the pressure to conform to a grandchild’s caregiving needs or the economic stress of helping to provide for grandchildren. One other factor to consider? In this era of increasing longevity, many older adults may not even be in a physical condition to help care for and support grandchildren, and perhaps instead will need their adult children to help care for them.

What about those older adults who do become grandparents? Has their image of that role changed with the times? No doubt it has, in sometimes humorous ways. As one example, it appears that many older adults are shunning the traditional names for grandparents (grandma, pop pop, nanna, etc). Could it be that modern grandparents don’t identify with the figures they know from their own childhoods? As one expert said, “Many baby boomers have a hard time reconciling their vibrant, vital, and active selves with the traditional names — they don’t fit their self-image.” For one funny story that recently went viral about a “grandma” who rejected that name and caused quite a stir, put away the rocker and read here.