So, are you “pro-aging” or “anti-aging” when it comes to your beauty regimen? Do you want a product that helps you look great, regardless of what your age (and mother nature) has handed you? Or do you want something that promises to take “years” off your look (but might end up making you look like you’re trying too hard)? Do you want to feel good about your age or are you fearful of getting older (and what society will think of you)? If you are confused or can’t quite determine what makes sense as an older woman, you’re not alone. The messages sent by mainstream and social media can be confusing, contradictory, or downright conflicting when it comes to your facial appearance and the products you use as a “mature” woman.

Jacynth Basset, the anti-ageism founder of the clothing store The Bias Cut, whose tagline is “Ageism is never in style,” recently posted a blog piece about this division between “pro” and “anti” aging forces in the beauty industry. While she acknowledges that some beauty companies are working hard to put out a “pro-age” narrative when it comes to their older female customers (for one good example, check out the recent ad campaign of the brand Laura Geller, whose newest spokesmodel is 58-year-old author, actress, and comedian Ali Wentworth), she also relates a story of one unnamed beauty company that literally advertises the same product as both “pro” and “anti” aging. If the company is confused, what’s the customer to think? And recently it was announced that Dior not only welcomes older customers but is now going to invest in “age reversal” skincare technology. So, what’s the message to older women? We want you as customers but what we really want to do is reverse your aging appearance to make you look better. Thanks, Dior, for that vote of pro-aging confidence.

Sometimes it feels like as an older woman, the media and popular culture (not to mention beauty companies) are working against you no matter how positive you want to be about aging. In one satirical (but all too accurate) recent post on McSweeney’s, writer Maureen McEly lays out what society expects of women these days, at least when it comes to appearances. Entitled “How to Age as a Woman,” McEly writes, “Based on current celebrity beauty standards, the goals are clear: you need to look like you’re in your twenties until you’re thirty-five, then look thirty-five until you’re dead.” She goes on to skewer in ridiculous fashion what women are encouraged to do to keep looking young (hand transplants anyone?), but ultimately, she declares what many women feel: “It’s important to note that even if you follow this advice and update your body as often as you update your phone’s operating system, the thing about aging as a woman—just like all things related to being a woman—is that there are many, many ways to do it wrong.”

Or, you could feel what aging celebrity and outspoken anti-aging critic Justine Bateman feels: As reported in many media interviews, when asked if she’s concerned that many have commented on her decision to age “naturally,” (without cosmetic procedures or interventions), her response is plain and simple: “I just don’t give a shit.”