Those of us in long-term relationships probably thought we’d seen and experienced it all- until the coronavirus hit- and the “intense togetherness” of being confined with our partners began. It’s one thing to be in a loving, long-term relationship. It’s quite another to be indefinitely detained with no ending in sight. As one expert stated, “The stress of being cooped up together for an indefinite period amplifies the fault lines that already exist in the relationship.” Given that “gray divorce” was already on the rise before COVID-19 hit, how do we make sure that quarantine is not the fuel to fire up the line to divorce court?

There are lots of experts and opinion writers freely giving advice on the matter. Psychology Today has a new resource section specifically focused on “How To Stay Married In A Pandemic.” In a recent article entitled How To Help Your Marriage Survive Lockdown, writer Yasmin Anwar recommends that couples avoid the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:” criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Opinion writer Jennifer Senior from The New York Times consulted therapist Esther Perel for her advice, acknowledging that the coronavirus may be the ultimate stress test for couples. Given that different people approach risk, uncertainty, and emergencies with different coping skills and strategies, Perel advises that it’s important to realize that both parties in a couple are potentially correct when it comes to figuring out how to get through all of this. There’s no one right way to power through, so each has to hear the other out when disagreements arise. Harvard psychology professor Anne Fishel suggests that happily retired couples may have the wisdom we all need during this time. She suggests such strategies as the “5 to 1” rule: Make sure to say 5 positive things for every zinger or cutting remark you spew. She believes it’s valuable to see the mutual dependency you both have, and suggests you develop your “help-asking” muscles while also being open to your partner’s vulnerabilities. Finally, she too recommends refraining from nasty or contemptuous comments as best as possible. The best advice may be to hold your tongue.

And perhaps just in time, long-married couple Marlo Thomas and Phil Donahue have a new book coming out in May entitled “What Makes a Marriage Last.” The couple traveled far and wide and interviewed 40 different famous couples (including Alan and Arlene Alda, Jimmy and Rosyln Carter and Al Roker and Deborah Roberts) to get their secrets to their long and happy relationships. If you want to hear more about this, New York City’s 92nd Street Y is holding an online, remote conversation with Thomas and Donahue that you can watch from your home computer. To find out more and purchase tickets, line up and look here.