Early in the pandemic, we reported on the way funeral plans and mourning rituals were changing as a result of the devastation of the coronavirus. Little did we realize that months later, so many of us would be grappling with the new realities of loss and death as we struggle to absorb the trauma of the pandemic. Everything from the death of a loved one to the loss of a previous lifestyle has meant most of us are grieving in some way and coming to grips with a burden that may live with us for years to come. In fact, as commentators have noted, grief from the COVID era is likely to weigh down the American psyche for years. Everything from our isolation after the death of a loved one to our lack of in-person comfort and community during our time of difficulty means that prolonged grief will likely be with us for the foreseeable future. According to Dr. M. Katherine Shear, founder and director for The Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia University, “Lack of contact and comfort from other people can slow the process of acceptance of the reality and meaning of a loss, and keep the intensity of grief profound and at center stage.”

Some lessons have already been learned about how to adapt, both now and going forward, in order to address grief in our new environment. For example, researchers from the University of Bristol have developed what they call the Bereavement Diaries Project, for which they’ve had bereavement support volunteers keep a diary as they tend to the needs of those afflicted with COVID grief. Their takeaways? It’s possible to be a compassionate presence and supportive listener even if you can’t be physically present. Ongoing phone support can be valuable. And one surprise? Many who are grieving are in fact relieved they don’t have to feel the pressure of “appearing happy” because they are not at their workplaces or interacting with friends. As difficult as the lockdown restrictions have been, they have allowed some to grieve according to their own internal time schedule rather than according to a predetermined protocol. Other lessons learned by the grieving? Listen more than you speak – and don’t think you can or should fix the situation because, in fact, you cannot. What you can do is offer help with daily affairs (and just do it- don’t wait for a specific request), reliable and ongoing check-ins (though don’t always expect a response), and assure the aggrieved that they are not alone.

It’s also important to recognize that not all grief is a result of a death. So many are experiencing the loss of the life they once lived, from exhausted health care and essential workers to stressed teachers to people struggling with economic or housing burdens. In fact, Sherry Cormier, a psychologist and author of the book Sweet Sorrow: Finding Enduring Wholeness after Loss and Grief, talks about the loss of our “resilience muscle.” We’ve put on a good face and baked our bread, but a year is a long time to put our previous lives aside and realize all of the milestones that have been lost. There is a real fear that going forward, we may vanquish COVID but we will be left with the reality of a mental health pandemic.

And practically, our rituals of grieving and mourning may forever be changed. While funeral directors (unsung heroes during the pandemic) know that humans need the ritual of saying goodbye, the reality is that many of our rituals may be forever transformed due to COVID. Reports are that cremations are up dramatically and are likely to continue. And technology has now become part and parcel of funeral arrangements, as more and more of us realize that we can still be “present” at a funeral via video even if we live thousands of miles away. The in-person funeral will eventually return but in an odd twist, we have come to realize intimacy at a certain level can be achieved via screen as well. In fact, the rise of virtual grief support groups may be a silver lining of the pandemic. For a list of such groups, wipe your tears and read here. And for the personal reactions of one surviving family member on the value of a virtual grief group, pull out your hankie and click here.