Probably few agebuzz readers are also reading “parenting” blogs at this point. After all, if we have children they’re likely adults by now and if we have exposure to younger children, it’s likely we’re the grandparents, with a decidedly different role than the parents of these younger children. However, a quick glimpse at current parenting blogs reveals that some of us may not quite be getting the message that our role vis-a-vis these younger children is not the same as that of the mom and dad. 

For example, over at BabyGaga (yes, that actually is the name of the blog), there are parenting tips on how to deal with “overbearing grandparents.” For those of you who are grandparents, the message is clear: You’re not the parent, you need to respect parental rules and you need to step back and allow parents to handle challenging situations. A similar message was conveyed in a recent New York Times parenting column entitled, “Dealing with Interfering Grandparents.” Reminding readers that child-rearing advice changes with every generation, writer Carol Bruce-Eddings balances the important role of the grandparent in the lives of grandchildren with the recognition that parents have the final word when it comes to conflicts over such contentious areas as diet, technology, discipline or religion. 

On the other hand, over at the blog Moms.com, it seems the opposite complaint is being debated. Some of us appear to be much nicer as grandparents than we behaved as parents of our now adult children (raise your hand if you feel this guilt). Writer Jessica Crowley explores why the kindness, generosity, and patience you exhibit as a grandparent was never around when you yourself were hands-on parenting. Certainly, most of us get mellower with age and we no longer sweat the small stuff. And for many of us, we have learned that it’s not our role to be the disciplinarian with our grandchild, so we can ignore certain behaviors. Finally, for many, there’s the “second chance” syndrome, i.e., we can acknowledge mistakes we made raising our own children and hope not to repeat those mistakes with this next generation.

So if you’re a grandparent struggling with the parameters, listen to your adult children as they set the rules and love your grandchildren as best you can. And if you want some reading to share with the grandkids on the role of grandparents in their lives, snuggle up on the couch and catch the recommendations here.