One of the many lessons to be learned as a result of the pandemic is that we need to talk more about death- and about grief- both on a societal as well as on an individual level. Far too many of us have been unprepared for the loss of loved ones over the past couple of years, either suddenly due to Covid or perhaps more expectedly- yet still devastatingly- in a period of such sadness and social distancing. And we are equally unprepared to help others weather the grief they are going through. As one expert has suggested, we are a society that is “grief illiterate”- we don’t know what to say or how to act or how to support each other when someone has died, even though it’s certain that all of us will face loss and death in our lifetimes.

On a societal level, it’s evident that we don’t have policies in place for those who are grieving and in need of time and support to acknowledge and process their loss. Only one state has legally mandated leave for employees who suffer a loss (Oregon) and most businesses- if they provide leave at all- only grant 3 days off. Moreover, we can see from the treatment of burnt-out and grieving health care workers that as a society, we don’t sufficiently acknowledge the pain and trauma that arise from their loss and grief. Professional care providers during the pandemic have suffered innumerable patient losses (which take a psychic toll) as well as personal losses, yet we expect them to continue on the job with no real “bereavement” leave to allow them to cope with the impact.

On an individual level, many of us who are grieving have been conditioned to rotely recite the 5 stages of grief put forth by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) but in the complex world we live in, that doesn’t neatly capture the experience so many of us go through when we lose a loved one. In a recent column on grieving, journalist and aging expert Helen Dennis touched on additional concepts to help support a grieving reader. Dennis mentioned the Six R’s Of Mourning from Therese Rando, which include recollecting and re-experiencing your loved one through memories and readjusting to the new world you now inhabit, without forgetting your loved one. Dennis urges readers to stay connected to others during grief, either through technology, in-person gatherings, or support groups. A recent New York Times article on grief after sudden loss adds to the advice as to how you can be supportive to those suffering. Among the suggestions? Listen more than speak, avoid minimizing the pain or making empty promises you can’t keep, and take on the tasks that are necessary to keep daily life together for them, from meal prep to house cleaning. Most importantly, despite your grief illiteracy, don’t abandon someone who’s grieving just because you don’t know what to say or how to act. As one man relayed his personal anguish after the death of his wife, “It’s a strange feeling to know that I made people feel uncomfortable when I was by myself, among people… I had known all our married life. It wasn’t that I was unwelcome but the feeling was there that it was best not to be around me too long. It was like I had caught something and I was now contagious.”

In essence, learning how to deal with grief, either your own or that of someone else, is a learning process, which takes time, support, and resources. According to neuroscientist and grief expert Mary Frances O’Connor (author of the new book The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss), grief is an emotional state that affects all sorts of brain functions, including memory, recall, heart regulation and the experience of pain. Like being hit by a wave, grief can cause confusion and difficulty concentrating, so you need to go easy on yourself or, if you’re supporting someone through their grief, you need to understand what’s beyond their control and where support would be valuable. In previous agebuzz posts, we’ve provided a number of sources of support to get you or a loved one through the grief process. In the last few years, especially with the pandemic, additional resources and websites have emerged with more support and guidance. For some valuable websites to explore, take a look at Empathy and What’s Your Grief. For a comprehensive list of articles and resources compiled by Camille Wortman, a professor of social and health psychology at Stony Brook University (and author of “Treating Traumatic Bereavement: A Practitioner’s Guide), click here. And perhaps most importantly for yourself or for a loved one you are supporting, remember these words of wisdom: “You don’t want to move on with your life. What you want is to move forward with your life.”