You may remember during the earlier days of the Covid pandemic, when death was an ever-present concern in the minds of many, we touched on the role of end-of-life doulas, trained professionals who provide comfort, companionship, and counseling for individuals and loved ones as death approaches. While not providing actual medical care, they nonetheless work to address physical, emotional, logistical, and even financial problems that can arise as death becomes more imminent. If a patient is in hospice or receiving palliative care, the doula can be an important ally and intermediary between that team and the patient and family. Often at the bedside when the patient passes away, the doula can also assist with the many tasks that arise post-death, including grief counseling, funeral planning, and obituary writing. For a more comprehensive understanding of the role of the doula, take a look at this recent article from the Cleveland Clinic. And to hear directly from a person working as a doula, watch this recent PBS video featuring the death doula Alua Arthur, whom we previously introduced you to in an earlier post.

What’s fascinating is that many who work in this field have acquired valuable wisdom and experiences, both regarding what’s important and meaningful as life comes to a close – and also, what insights and takeaways you should embrace before death is imminent. For example, regarding life in its last few months, doula Tess Clarkson has advised that in order to minimize distress and chaos at the end of your life, both for yourself and your loved ones, it’s critical to take the time and put in the effort to make it a smooth process. What does she advise? Beyond the always-recommended advance planning paperwork, she suggests thinking about how you want your last days to be spent- where, with whom, doing what? She also wants you to be involved in making your funeral and burial plans (so that loved ones will know they are following your wishes) and encourages everyone to keep the communication open and flowing- making it possible for you and your loved ones to acknowledge the end and what you mean to each other.

Other doulas have taken what they’ve learned and transported those lessons as valuable wisdom for the living, not just the dying. So, for example, doula Diane Button recently wrote a book expanding on the 10 lessons she’s learned about living from the dying. Among her recommendations? Don’t take the everyday ordinary things for granted. Be kind, so that people will remember you that way. Everyone leaves a legacy behind so why not make yours a positive one? Don’t wait until the end of your life to slow down and take in the wisdom that comes from being still. Everyone goes through hard stuff- use that time to learn and grow. Similarly, doula Rachel Friedman, writing in Vox, shares lessons learned from the dying. Her words of wisdom? Practice deep, active listening when you engage in conversations with others. Holding back your own stories and listening to others will make you more present and empathetic and bring about more meaningful relationships. She also offers you the tools to take you through a thought experiment of what it would be like to only have 3 months to live and how that experience will allow you to gain clarity as to what’s really important in your life.  And don’t wait until you’re on your deathbed to create a legacy project to leave your loved ones (You may find this post from agebuzz Guest Blogger Kathleen Rehl to be helpful in this regard). 

Finally, in a recent post in Well & Good, doula Maryanne O’Hara shares the wisdom she’s acquired not only from her work as a doula but also as the parent of a young adult who died of cystic fibrosis. Her wisdom has to do with the regrets people have when they reach the end of their lives. The most common regret she encounters? “We always think that we have more time.” So a word to the living: Don’t put off the important and meaningful because you think you’ll have plenty of time down the road. One never knows what life has in store for us, so live your life with the understanding that time is precious and needs to be spent wisely.