Have you ever actually witnessed it? Up close? Been at the bedside as the last breath is drawn? Few of us have actually experienced first hand what it’s like to be in the presence of those who are dying- and that’s a problem for us as a society. Because without candid conversations and familiarity with what death is actually like, fear takes hold, myths develop and the whole natural process of dying is turned into something frightful and foreboding. And while it’s true that some people do experience painful and prolonged deaths, generally speaking, the natural process of dying can be gentle and quiet- something palliative care physician Kathryn Mannix calls “the best-kept secret in medicine.”

In a 4 minute video from the BBC entitled, “Dying is not as bad as you think,” Dr. Mannix explains that because we no longer talk frankly about death (using euphemisms such as “passing away” instead), we have lost what she calls “the rich wisdom of normal human dying.” However, the times may be changing. We now have the advent of “death cafes,” grass-root gatherings that draw people together to discuss their thoughts, experiences, fears, and hopes as they relate to the end of life (and cake is served!). Normalizing conversation about what happens during the process of dying can only help demystify the experience and encourage people to be more thoughtful about preparing for the end of life, for themselves and their loved ones. To get some insights into what a “death cafe” is like, take a look at this recent story from WBUR in Boston. If you’d like to find a “death cafe” in your region, or even host such a gathering yourself, warm up the teapot, put out some cake and click here.

And for some truly candid conversation about death, you need to read about, and listen to, Rosemary Bowen, who at age 94 decided to end her life on her own terms, following a spinal compression fracture that left her dependent and debilitated. Bowen was determined to bring her life to a peaceful conclusion by declining food and hydration, and she was determined to document and make public her end so that others could see how comfortable and at peace she was with her decision. Her daughter, Mary Beth Bowen, created a 16-minute video of the last days of her mother’s life, during which Rosemary appears joyful and happy, eventually falling into a deep sleep from which she never awakes. It’s compelling and provocative for sure, and just as certain to spark conversation. Read about it and see for yourself (there’s a link in the article for the full video) here.