Tips on Giving and Taking Help By Katherine Schneider, Ph.D.

By Katherine Schneider, Ph.D.

I’m an active volunteer in my community and parish, but I despise asking for and taking help. If you’re with me so far, read on!

Having been blind since birth, you’d think I’d be an expert in accepting help (at least disability-related help)! If you define an expert as someone who’s done something often and thought about it a lot, then maybe I am. I did my dissertation study on altruism and a friend made me a wall hanging with “ask” spelled out in braille on it.

However, I’m definitely one of the 70% of people that an executive coach, Nora Bouchard, says could have used help in the last week but didn’t ask for it. As I age and watch friends age and need more help, I think it’s time to turn the spotlight on the fine art of asking for help and maybe rearrange my attitude a teeny bit!

Why are we so reluctant to ask for or even accept help? Pride? The myth of “I can do all things”? Shame when we can’t? Fear of being slimed by patronizing help? Fear of losing control? “More blessed to give than to receive” rings in our ears? Difficulty articulating what we need? Fear of getting “help” we don’t want along with help we do want? All of the above!

It’s easier for me to ask or accept help if I know I have something to trade, know the giver well enough to know they’re not looking down on me as they reach out, know someone else is depending on me to accomplish this chore, or if the ask is a small one.

Using Bookshare, I was able to skim through hundreds of books with “help” in the title. Lots of self-help titles promise help for everything from training your dog to taming your fears. The three I found (which can be found on the Bookshare website for those with disabilities) as most helpful, with their foci on the asking part of the process, were:

• Help, Thanks, Wow by A. Lamott

• Mayday: Asking for Help in Times of Need by M. Klaver

• The Art Of Asking: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Let People Help by Amanda Palmer and Brené Brown

Inspired by my reading, I asked my Facebook and Twitter followers for their top tips on how to ask. I got several great replies which tells me I’m not alone in this struggle. Here are my tips from one struggler to another:

• Figure out what you need exactly.
• Remind yourself you’re not alone; half the people over sixty-five have a disability, so will need disability-related help.
• Remind yourself that even Jesus asked His disciples to wait and watch with Him.
• Remind yourself that you’re giving a gift by letting yourself be helped because people like to help and somebody has to be the receiver! It’s your turn now!
• Reframe (at least in your own mind) or offer a trade: “If you give me a ride, I’ll buy you a cup of coffee”
• Strategize how that person can probably most successfully meet it. For example, “Point my finger toward the bank building” rather than asking “Where is the bank?” and then pointing or saying left when they mean right.
• Say a happy “thanks”, not an apology for the need but a strong thanks for meeting it. 
• Keep helping and asking so the balancing act can go on between helping and being helped.

What you (when you’re in the role of the giver) can do to help:

• Offer help freely, “May I help?” rather than “Do you NEED help?”
• Point out that you benefit from my company; e.g. “I have to go and would like company. Want to ride with me?”
• Listen to what I ask for instead of dishing out what you think I need.

Let’s score a recent example, to see how I’m doing at walking the walk as well as talking the talk about asking for help. My town recently was blessed with the building of a Costco store. One of my friends off-handedly said: “Oh, I’ll take you there sometime” because she’s joined and I haven’t. I waited about five months hoping she’d suggest a trip, but she hasn’t. So, I asked and she said “Sure.” I suggested a date and said I’d provide a light supper before we go so we don’t shop on empty stomachs. As we drove to Costco, I described the specific help I wanted: I wanted her to narrate appetizers that don’t have meat in them and frozen dinners that don’t have meat in them. Then I “need” some candy corn. 

My friend seemed delighted with the specificity of my requests and did a great job of narrating the myriad of choices. Of course, a few extra things found their way into my cart including Reese’s-covered animal crackers, one of their most popular items. My friend commented that she noticed more and enjoyed the experience.   

Viva recreational shopping and viva asking for help to do it!

*This guest blog post contains excerpts from Katherine Schneider’s latest book, Hope of the Crow.  

Katherine Schneider, Ph.D. (blind from birth) is a retired clinical psychologist living in Eau Claire, WI with her tenth Seeing Eye dog. She has served on several boards including the Eau Claire County Board, the Governor’s Committee for Persons with Disabilities, and the Benetech/Bookshare Board. In addition to numerous professional papers and articles, Katherine has published a memoir To the Left of Inspiration: Adventures in Living with Disabilities, a children’s book, Your Treasure Hunt: Disabilities and Finding Your Gold, and two books for seniors (half of whom will develop disabilities in later life), Occupying Aging: Delights, Disabilities and Daily Life, and Hope of the Crow: Tales of Occupying Aging. 

She originated the Schneider Family Book Awards for children’s books with disability content through the American Library Association and an award for superior journalism about disability issues through the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism at Arizona State University.

Locally, Katherine started the Access Eau Claire fund through the Eau Claire Community Foundation to help non-profit organizations work toward full inclusion of people with disabilities. She’s a passionate advocate for access for all to the good things of life, like chocolate, puzzles, and thrillers. Subscribe to her blog http://kathiecomments.wordpress.com for details.