The Rookie Retiree By Renee Langmuir: What Is The Lineage For The Best Parts Of Yourself?

By Renee Langmuir

Recently, I attended the 50th Anniversary of my beloved ballet school, The Pennsylvania Academy of Ballet. The event was marked with performances of alumni who have gone on to professional dance companies and speeches from key players in the school’s history.

The first speech, by an alum who had dual careers as both a dancer and an academic, caught my attention. This person spoke of the dance lineage of which he was a descendant, which included Martha Graham. Although he hadn’t studied under Graham, his teacher did, and so he was a bona fide descendant. Recently, this idea has captured my rapt attention. 

The Concept of Lineage

A.I. defines the concept of lineage as a group of individuals who trace their descent from common ancestors. These lines are generally patrilineal, matrilineal, or ambilineal, a situation when the individual can choose either the mother or father’s lineage.

This term most commonly explains an individual’s ancestry and is used, as well, in describing a line of Buddhist teachers, martial arts founders, and most recently computer data origins. It can also be used to explain political, religious, and territorial claims over a long period of time. What appeals to me most is that the concept can include adoption, branching, and choice!

Without much effort, I can identify a few people in my lineage, ancestors or not, who have been instrumental in the development of my most hard-won behaviors.

What are virtues?

When thinking about gratitude to others in my life for being my teachers, I am not thinking about the superficial nature of wealth, appearance, or status. I’m thinking about those who have had a real effect on the positive human attributes it takes a lifetime to develop. They are commonly referred to as virtues.  

An excellent way to think about virtues is through the guiding concepts of The Virtues Project in Calgary, Canada. Believing everyone is born with the potential to manifest their highest values, this worldwide teaching organization offers a poster with a sampling of the 600 virtues common to all cultures around the world such as generosity, humility, patience, and integrity.

Taking an Inventory

It didn’t take me long to identify the behaviors I’m most proud of, which were not always instilled in my family of origin. These are the behaviors that were initially difficult to manifest and needed lots of practice over time.

In the process of writing this post, it took me under five minutes to brainstorm the behaviors that are absolutely non-negotiable. The shortlist includes unconditional love, integrity, honesty, cleanliness, dependability, generosity, hard work, and flexibility. It might be fun for you to participate in this brainstorming experiment.

Where did these behaviors come from?

I was shocked to find that five of these virtues come from my family of origin. I have previously written about the “marine barracks” environment my mother created. In terms of cleanliness, nothing was negotiable. I often felt that her clean house always trumped my emotional needs growing up. However, as I look around my home, I often think of her always well-planned meals and hyper-orderly environment. Although they produced friction in the family, my children and husbands have benefitted, as have I. That would be an example of lineage branching.

The virtues of integrity, honesty, dependability, and hard work also come from the same source. Through the years, as dishonest behaviors came into my life through others, these were emphatically dismissed as unacceptable and inappropriate. I can’t remember my mother or father ever doing anything dishonest. Currently, I’m incapable of even telling a white lie.

Dependability and hard work were also cornerstones of my original family. Both parents worked through tasks with competence and 100% completion rates. If commitments were made, they were always kept. Recently, I’ve had to learn to give myself some slack if circumstances change and a commitment needs to be rescheduled.

Generosity was not a skill I learned at home. That came from my beloved first mother-in-law (I’ve had three: two alive during my life and one who predeceased me). My first mother-in-law was the most generous person I ever met, so unlike my frugal parents. Besides taking me shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue for the first time in my life and bestowing lovely gifts of jewelry, which I still treasure, she was generous in more important realms. She was a national president of a large woman’s group, and kindly gave both of my children (only one was her biological grandchild) investment gifts each year on their birthdays. She was always involved in work that benefitted her community. I like to think I emulate her with my retirement volunteer activities.

My ex-husband was also the bestower of a major gift: the concept of flexibility. He was a philosophy major, who introduced me to the concept that things in life did not have to be black and white, as they were in my family of origin. With lots of practice over the years, I now look at events in life as “gray” – many shades of gray, depending on the millions of variables that exist in this world. My flamboyant daughter is also a partner in these teachings. I tried to squeeze her into a daughter mold, based on my experience, but this never worked. Eventually, I came to love her ’90s friends with the Mohawks and blue hair, and eternally appreciate her uniqueness.

Finally, in my lineage, I credit both my current husband and my son for teaching me unconditional love. In my original family love always had strings attached – you had to perform up to expectations. When my son was born, he was the dream baby/toddler/child who loved to snuggle and preferred spending time with me for so many years. I honestly had never previously felt the depth of such love.

My husband Robert took those euphoric feelings to the next level. If one could take an x-ray of his heart, there would be no seeds of ill will towards anyone. He is incapable of holding a grudge and displays daily appreciation and affection. For my 70th birthday, he created a  magnificent collage entitled “Somebody Loves Me” with antique paper images and mottos from his “antique paper-man archives.” However, there is no need for you to be jealous. He is also a co-teacher for my flexibility lineage. It is not easy living with an iconoclast!

I encourage you to take a moment to think about your lineage. It is an excellent exercise for those of us later in life. We did not get to this place on our own. Our lineage is influenced by kinfolk, colleagues, strangers, and authors we have encountered, and many more we have not yet met. What a wonderful time to count these blessings.

Renee Langmuir was an educator for 34 years in public schools and at the university level. After an unplanned retirement, Renee chronicled her transition to retirement through a series of personal essays. As challenges arose, research was done, and essays were penned, all helping her gain perspective in this new landscape. These reflections are housed on the website, https://www.therookieretiree.com. She writes from both a research and mindfulness basis. Renee is excited to receive your feedback and comments! Please contact her at [email protected].