Lessening: A Labor Of Love By Susanna P. Barton

By Susanna P. Barton

One of the biggest hazards confronting older adults in their second half is drowning in self-focus and self-stuff – getting weighted down by our own egos and the life collections, impractical furnishings, and useless objects neither we nor our loved ones need, want, or cherish. As we approach our Golden Years, it’s time to cast off these burdens and make sure friends and family aren’t left holding – and getting sunk by – our bag.

Let’s begin by emphasizing how loving the act of lessening can be for our one-day caregivers.

During a recent Grand Plans workshop, one attendee lamented how angry she was with her elderly parents for letting their home get to an unmanageable, fully loaded state. “They had plenty of time to address it and they talked about working on it, but they never did – then it was too late.” She described the physical and emotional strain it took for her to clean out and get rid of the home’s contents. This woman still harbors deep resentment toward her mother and says their relationship will never be the same.

The work of purging someone’s life stuff collection is indeed heavy, for both the body and mind. When I was called in to assist with the home clean-out of my deceased friend’s parents – to liquidate and generate much-needed funds for their 24-7 in-home healthcare – it quite literally broke my heart and my back. I had just three vacation days to clear out an abandoned three-bedroom house to get it in salable condition. This work required multi-day, multi-trip hauls to Goodwill, sorting and boxing items no one wanted, and dragging heavy bags of trash out to the curb. Advil, Gatorade, and gas station sandwiches kept me going! And to this day, I am disturbed and full of disdain for the woman I once admired and considered a second mother. Leaving your loved ones with drawers full of debris and crammed closets of sentimental items with which you weren’t ready to part is hurtful – and most sadly, it blemishes your legacy.

This is important work! And I’m not the only person who thinks so.

“Do not ever imagine that anyone will wish—or be able—to schedule time off to take care of what you didn’t bother to take care of yourself. No matter how much they love you, don’t leave this burden to them,” said Margareta Magnusson in her bestselling book, The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Make Your Loved Ones’ Lives Easier and Your Own Life More Pleasant. I say, amen to that!

So where do we begin this labor of love? This process is two-fold and ongoing. The starting point is an awareness of our life hoard and self-focus. The first step is making a commitment to lessen both.

Let’s take a quick slog through self-lessening because that mindset also informs our ability to let go of the clutter in our lives. The junk and collecting and obsession with having and hoarding originates in an annoying fascination we all have with – ourselves. Our Golden Years approach is a great time to get “ourselves” out of the way.

If you haven’t read Arthur C. Brooks’ From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life, I highly recommend doing so stat. He helps put this mindset in perspective. As we age, perhaps the goal is to share or shed our ego, wisdom, and knowledge – not dwell on it.

“Cicero believed three things about older age. First, that it should be dedicated to service, not goofing off. Second, our greatest gift later in life is wisdom, in which learning and thought create a worldview that can enrich others. Third, our natural ability at this point is counsel: mentoring, advising, and teaching others, in a way that does not amass worldly rewards of money, power, or prestige.”

Instead of focusing on ourselves in the second half, maybe we should look for opportunities to share, teach, inspire, and impart. Are there younger people who might benefit from the strengths we honed during the first half of life? Are there lessons we’ve learned that can sustain those in another generation? Is there a philosophy or moral code that may be helpful to others?

“The service that the whole world needs from the elders is not the service of hours spent and time put in and documents finished, and machines fixed. There are untold numbers of people who can do all of those things. No, the service of elders is not a service of labor; it is a service of enlightenment, wisdom, and discernment of spirits,” said Joan Chittister in her book The Gift of Years. “Only the carriers of generations past can give us those things because wisdom is what lasts after an experience ends. We cannot expect wisdom as a wholesale item of the young, then, because they simply have not lived long enough or through enough to have been able to amass much of it.”

A MasterClass.com article suggests the following steps for becoming less self-focused:

• Be a better listener
• Challenge your biases
• Commit yourself to selfless acts
• Learn to compromise
• Let others make decisions
• Practice empathetic visualization
• Show interest in and celebrate others

Volunteering, focusing on community service, helping others less fortunate than you, and looking for ways to make a difference are your most effective “de-selfers”. Use them as much as you can! Make friends with younger people and celebrate, understand, and influence their hard work. Become more aware of what’s essential to your loved ones and seek ways to support them.

That exercise in thought correlates beautifully with the other, more tangible, part of lessening – purging our stuff. It all comes down to the stuff.

So let’s jump right into that big ‘ole pile and put this de-selfing theory to practice.

Lessening our load of stuff begins with conversations – authentic engagement with children, grandchildren, or younger friends. Use precious time with these loved ones to ask them about what items of yours they admire, might enjoy, or might be itching to use in their lives. They may have their eye on a few things – or they may not want one more thing to care for in their lives. And this is OK, and not to be taken personally. This is not about you, remember – or your loved one. It’s about the stuff we don’t need.

Now that you’ve understood what’s important and to whom, consider a purge of epic proportions. Go through all the drawers, closets, and shelves and make a mental or actual pile of anything you don’t use or like. If you have the energy, flog it all out onto the driveway and sell it for bargain-hunter prices. If not, hire an estate sale company or auction house to assess your shizzle. Let them sell it to the people they think will be interested. But never, under any circumstances, expect a windfall, a small fortune, or your nest egg for senior living greatness to result. Your stuff has very little value in the big scheme of things. Let that expectation settle in, and be ready for it. No tears, please.

Got a storage unit full of stuff you haven’t seen in 10 years? Empty it, now! Storage facility companies are notorious for jacking up monthly rental fees every time it rains, so the $75 a month you paid last year is now costing you and your future estate double or triple that figure. Life is too short to be weighed down by stuff you don’t use, like, or need.

Wouldn’t you know the Glad trash bags company has some words of wisdom to share about de-cluttering? This is probably the one activity that wins them the biggest financial gains, as garbage bags are an essential part of the purge. Glad suggests beginning the process by making four initial boxes/piles: 

• Trash
• Give away/sell
• Storage
• Put away

Here are a few other anti-stuff, pro-purge words to live by that I’ve picked up along the way:

• Start small and set goals, beginning with one area at a time. Set achievable goals so you don’t feel overwhelmed.
• Sort your stuff into “keep, donate, sell, or recycle” piles This makes the pitch ten billion times more manageable and liberating.
• Abide by the one-year rule: toss it if you last used the item a year ago. Set free the stuff that no longer serves a purpose in your life.
• Apply the same decluttering principles to your interweb junk – delete, unsubscribe, and remove from your email box and your bookmarks
• Set your sentimental stuff a sail. Take pictures of the things that may be special but serve no purpose and send them to your family and friends.
• Follow the “one-in, one-out” rule. Hold yourself accountable for removing an item of equal value when you bring something new into your home.
• Donate or sell your unnecessary, unwanted items so someone else can benefit from them.

Keep cleaning and continue purging. When cleaning out, you will never reach “the bottom” of your stuff collection. Stay at it, and don’t be overrun by the stuff again.

The freedom and peace of mind from simplifying your physical possessions are well worth the time and energy – promise. Do these things, and you’ll be ready for your next move, whatever that looks like. You will be well prepared to sell your big house and move into something more manageable. You can snap your fingers and, in an instant, be packed and ready to take up residence at your child’s home, in a senior living arrangement, or in an environment that best supports your physical, emotional, and mental needs. You will be ready now.

You will also be mentally prepared to live a purged, pared-back, perfectly pleasant life.

“As energy becomes a precious and limited resource, simplifying is a survival skill. I’ve learned to beware of ‘the disease of one more thing’ – We try to let go of the unimportant and stick with what gives us the most meaning, comfort, and joy. This is a fine time to think about what you hold dear and make sure you are spending your precious life doing it,” said Katy Butler in her book The Art of Dying Well: A Practical Guide to a Good End of Life. “Moving to a smaller house, reducing the size of a lawn and the number of mutual fund accounts, putting bills on auto-pay, and decluttering possessions can help you stay independent longer. Keep the tasks of daily life manageable as energy and mental clarity wane. You can also apply the principle of simplification to the doctors you see, the health screenings you permit, and the pills you take.”

Lessening ourselves and our stuff is freeing and gives us more space for quality time with the people we love. Most importantly, it assures no loved one gets their heart or back broken cleaning up our life collections. The time to purge is now!

Susanna Barton, a member of Jacksonville Mayor Donna Degan’s subcommittee on elder care, has worked as a professional writer in Jacksonville for nearly 30 years and is the founder of the Grand Plans online community, podcast, newsletter, and blog.  Her book Grand Plans: How to Mitigate Geri-Drama in 20 Easy Steps and its accompanying workbook, the Grand Planner, are available in local stores and on Amazon. For more information, http://www.mygrandplans.com.