Been There, Done That: Nine Decades And Counting By Alice Herb: Looking Back

By Alice Herb

I just turned 92! It is hard for me to fathom that I am close to being a century old. But there it is. Having more time than I used to, I started to look back on my life critically. If I had to live it over, what would I do differently? Would I make the same decisions? What do I think were poor choices? What have I learned from my many years of experience? As many of my readers know, I have had three distinct careers in my life: law, journalism, and bioethics. Would I pick them all again? Any one of them? Something else? Is this a waste of time, or is it a personal evaluation of what went right and what went wrong? I think it is a good exercise to re-evaluate what I did and what I can be proud of. What I regret. There are many “what if’s,” and that clouds the picture a lot of the time. What peace can I find in my restless soul? I’ll try and share some of it with you.

If I start chronologically, I would have to say that my first major decision occurred when I was 11 years old. I was a star pupil in my Harlem elementary school, but I was not accepted at Hunter Junior High School, although I had learned that my test score was higher than ones from a Queens school. When my parents transferred me to a junior high school on the upper west side, I was placed in a “2” class – two below the ranked class I was assigned to uptown. My parents didn’t believe this was clear bigotry and refused to fight for me. That left me convinced that fairness and honesty weren’t a priority. And I no longer cared to be a scholarly student, although I had not yet learned how pervasive racial bigotry was. It was my first major BAD decision. My average dropped from 96% to 77%. I goofed off in junior high school and then made an additional bad decision by refusing to take the Hunter High School exam, which left me assigned to a less-than-wonderful high school. These were very emotional decisions that sound minor, except that this many decades later, I still regret having abandoned a lifetime of being an ardent student and missing opportunities that I would have dearly appreciated. But that, too, is a mixed story.

I continued my stubborn resistance to homework and sterling work. I paid enough attention in class to get by and be placed in a special section in my high school. However, I lost out on my application to Cornell University when I didn’t do my research about the differences between the liberal arts and home economics programs at Cornell and Syracuse Universities. At my interview with the Cornell people, I clearly showed my ignorance. But I was admitted to Syracuse University. I elected to go. GOOD decision.

And here, the “where what ifs” begin to flutter in. Had I been admitted to Cornell, it would have been an A1-plus credential in the years that followed. But in my first week at Syracuse, I met the man who became my husband, the love of my life, and the father of my children. I still cherish the years at Syracuse and the advice to apply to law school. Had I been admitted to Cornell, I might never have met my husband, might never have known such a great love. On the other hand, I might not have been widowed at age 32 and have to worry about bringing up my young children for years to come. I believe that I would not have given up the love and support of my husband even though his premature death was a resounding loss that continued through the rest of my life. And I certainly cannot even imagine not giving birth to my children,

I decided to skip my 4th year of undergraduate work to attend Syracuse Law School a year sooner than I might have expected. That was a risky decision, but it enabled me to graduate law school at age 20. But during my law school years, I found a job as an insurance agent. My husband also had to complete his education, and we had zero money to pay for anything. I opted for the insurance job as it would not interfere with my night school classes. That was an especially good decision as I became a licensed agent and learned to use insurance as a real protection for both of us. But finding a job with my mediocre grades showed my poor attitude towards putting in the effort to get good grades, and while I did practice law for more than 10 years, I became disillusioned and moved on to work as a journalist. That was mostly an emotional decision as I had no training for print or television. 

I won’t go on with the back and forth of good and bad decisions because along the way, there were innumerable forks in the road, and whichever fork I chose had its rewards, disappointments, and critical losses. That left me thinking and evaluating not only about my choices/decisions but also life interventions that I could not predict. Finally, I came to think of how my experiences reflected not only my efforts but my abilities and talents. That was a difficult task, and I am not certain if I am done thinking about it. After reviewing my three major careers, I have come to some conclusions.  

Had I not been so involved in family affairs that included not only my two husbands and two children but also my younger brother, my parents, two aunts and uncles, and a cousin who had severe physical and mental disabilities, I would have found an easier path to what I would have thought of as success. Whatever happened in this family that seemed unfixable inevitably landed in my lap. I felt that it was honestly my responsibility because I had the education, training, and even the necessary fluency in English to speak for the older generation. Were I to live that over, I would hope to have the strength to refuse any of these tasks. It certainly took time and energy away from my children, my husbands, and my work. And yes, it was a decision that I made, one that may have placated my conscience but was not in my best interest.

Faced with similar situations, I would think that taking more time for my own mental health and growth would not seem selfish and ungrateful to a loving family but rather the luxury of securing what I needed for myself and my immediate family. Perhaps I would realize that I was more suited to law than either journalism or medical ethics. Acknowledging that I did very little work in law school and still graduated and passed the New York State Bar exam on the first try leads me to think that the law was natural for me. If I had continued to practice law, would I have grown into what I would have thought of as real success? I had, in pretty large terms, overcome the bias against women and had become assertive in representing clients, but while very successful in “motion” practice, I never actually conducted a trial. Taking on the responsibility of a trial was something I never dared to attempt, and I saw myself as a downright coward. Had I persisted, would I have overcome that? Probably, because I did walk into many lions’ dens. I didn’t always succeed, but I also didn’t always lose. I was a really tough negotiator. On the other hand, I loved being a journalist. The different stories I was able to follow and work on, the travel, and the people I met and made friends with were a big boost to my carrying on after I was widowed. Would I want to give that up? No way.

My negotiating skills came in handy for me both as a journalist and as a bioethicist. A good friend told me just recently that he watched me negotiate a deal with a corporate vendor and that he knew that I would succeed in achieving what I wanted. I had no idea that I pursued a line of argument that made refusing me difficult. If I can still do that at my current age, then I think that it would have been wise for me to just pursue a career as an attorney. Would I have been happier? I don’t know. I loved the news business more than either the law or the ethics business. I did find that the journalists, without question, were the more interesting human beings. They had a breadth of knowledge, a curiosity, a manner of approaching facts often as attorneys would but ask more direct questions and move easily into new subjects to become at least minimally competent by the time the final piece of work was written, filmed, edited, and ready for publication. It also provided travel, a passion I had from early childhood.

I simply can’t decide which direction I would take but what I do know is that I would work hard to know my given craft and proceed with a measure of confidence that wouldn’t erase uncertainty entirely, but would give me the certainty that I had explored the issues as thoroughly as possible so that I would have avoided any surprises that could occur. I would learn not to doubt myself. I would also know that just making money had little appeal to me. To search the horizons for new adventure and knowledge remains irresistible to me. But I am still thinking. I will touch back with you when I have more to say. 

Alice Herb is a retired attorney, journalist, and bioethics consultant. Having reached the age of 90+, she’s more than ready to share her experiences and opinions with agebuzz readers. Want to comment on something she’s said? She welcomes your feedback at [email protected].

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