Been There, Done That: Nine Decades And Counting By Alice Herb: A Pet Peeve

By Alice Herb

One of my serious pet peeves is the stereotypical depictions and treatment of old people. My most recent pique was aroused by family and friends suggesting that I watch a Netflix series called Man on the Inside. I watched a couple of episodes and became increasingly depressed and angry at what I saw as the denigration of old people, especially women in an upscale nursing home or assisted living facility. Unless I am totally blind to who I am today, none of the people in this series resembled anything like me. The characters were anything but appealing.  

Years ago, when my granddaughter was a teenager, she described to me what she thought a grandmother would be – a little old lady sitting in an overstuffed armchair, wearing an old housecoat, having bluish-white curls and a “kitty” in her lap. And what she got was me. I do not have blue curls. I do not own a housecoat and I dislike cats. She was disappointed but acknowledged there was something to gain by having me as a Grandma. At the time I was fully employed as a bioethicist at a major medical facility, a consultant at two other hospitals, and an associate professor teaching medical students, nursing students as well as students in other health-related fields. She had complained that I pushed her to achieve but then confessed that I was among the few in her family who thought she should excel. She finally did accept me as a useful relative and we have a very good relationship. But that was just the beginning of my falling into the “old” category.  

I quickly began to perceive the negative stereotype of who I was to become. First, there were the medical residents who saw aging patients and often suggested that we not offer “old “ patients emerging procedures or treatments because they were considered risky for “old” patients. How old were these patients? In their 60’s. One of the more amusing events for me was when I was doing rounds with the medical residents. The presenter started with “This old fellow…” I interrupted and asked how old “the fellow” was and I was told “63.” At that point, I was well into my 70’s. My reply was short: “Watch your language, young man.” And here I am today, into my 90s, still writing a blog! Then, as I was becoming hard of hearing, people began shouting at me or speaking to me as though I was demented, together with eye rolls. That infuriated me. Then came a time when I was told that no elderly person should drive and that perhaps it was time to check into an assisted living facility because I would be unable to fathom modern life and handle my affairs (even though I am still a licensed attorney). That blew my mind. I followed none of this advice. I taught, and believe, that each of these decisions needs to be made by or for an individual person. Many of us are still capable of living a full life in this world but must be aware of regularly needing to assess our capabilities and capacity. I have stopped doing what I cannot do but continue to enjoy my apartment and my car and my summer home and the freedom to do as I please. But I am fully aware that the time will come when I must stop and I will do that!

Actually, I just had not taken in how the performing arts had characterized elderly people. It is certainly true that there are little old ladies with kitties in their laps, women chasing around trying to be younger perhaps to engage a suitor, or silly old ladies and men who would try a saint. But that’s not all of us! Aging is an individual process. Some of us remain functional and active to a very old age and some of us sicken and die young or become senile at a much too early age. Most of us will fall into the categories the experts describe.  

I was more than a bit skeptical about the insistent demand that President Biden pull out of the 2024 presidential race. Yes, I thought it was a tough job for someone his age but Trump is not that much younger. I thought we never truly learned the capacity of either one. It might have cost one another term and the other a term that he may not be able to command. Who knows.

Unlike the negative fictional characters we tend to see, we would be wise to call a stop to insults. And the sitcoms are insulting. We should put our energies into appreciating the experience – good and bad  – that older adults have, and learn from the wisdom they have gained and from the mistakes and bad decisions they have endured. And most important, find new ways to make growing older a positive continuation of a useful life and an asset in the family structure.

Alice Herb is a retired attorney, journalist, and bioethics consultant. Having reached the age of 90+, she’s more than ready to share her experiences and opinions with agebuzz readers. Want to comment on something she’s said? She welcomes your feedback at [email protected].

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