The Roman statesman Cicero once said, “Life is nothing without friendship.” For most of us, that statement rings true, even if we may not always live up to its promise. There are so many “involuntary” (yet important) relationships in our lives: our family, and our work colleagues, for example, and with those, we often have no choice but to connect and continue a relationship of sorts. And those relationships take time and commitment. But friends- they are our “chosen” family, the ones we freely associate with and who likely make us happy. As author Eric Barker comments in his new book Plays Well With Others: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong, “The reason why friends make us happier than any other relationship is that it’s voluntary. If they didn’t make you happy you wouldn’t be there. If you didn’t like them, you wouldn’t spend time with them.” Furthermore, we know from scientific research that social engagement- and spending time with friends- is critical to our cognitive and even physical well-being as we get older. For a review of past agebuzz posts on the importance of friendships, click here.

In fact, a recent post from the Blue Zones website (an important source of wisdom for how to live longer and better) underscores the health value of friendships. It has been scientifically demonstrated that friendships can buffer you from harmful stress, help lower your levels of inflammation and even elevate the possibility of a longer life. Yet we tend to take friendships for granted or to put them on the back burner when the going gets tough. The irony is, that when we need them most, friendships often recede into the background. As previously mentioned, Eric Barker’s new book is a useful reminder of the value of friendships in our lives and the importance of developing them, maintaining them, and even defending them. In a recent podcast, Barker noted that “Belonging- feeling like you’re in a group where you are connected, you are supported- is what produces the feeling of meaning in our minds.” Thus he believes we need to prioritize friendships more than most of us appear to. His suggestion? To keep friendships strong, make sure you speak with your friends every two weeks. Research out of Notre Dame has shown that those who do so are more likely to continue their friendships as compared to those who don’t. One other science-backed way of supporting and sustaining your friendships? Recent research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that even a casual, quick outreach to a friend is an easy and appreciated way to meaningfully stay connected. In this time when there are so many challenges to sustaining friendships, a simple call, email, or even text is a more meaningful gesture than you may realize. Even if a long time has passed, and you worry that reaching out will be awkward or perhaps not well received, you should nonetheless reach out if the friendship has value to you. As one expert said, “Initiating social contact after a prolonged period of disconnect can feel daunting because people worry about how such a gesture might be received. These findings suggest that their hesitations may be unnecessary, as others are likely to appreciate being reached out to more than people think.”

Ultimately, strong, ongoing friendships- so necessary for our health and well-being as we get older- are fueled and sustained by many strategies and values. One interesting perception of what it takes to keep friendships going through the years comes from writer Julie Beck, who authored a series of articles about friendships over the past few years for The Atlantic Magazine. The series as a whole is worth reading, but her last post summarizes the wisdom she gained after studying real-life friendships and interviewing over 100 friends for her work. In her final article for the series, The Six Forces That Fuel Friendship, Beck culled recurring themes from her interviews, and among the “forces” that she suggests are key to maintaining friendships for the long term were ideas such as rituals (joint activities between friends that you don’t need to plan or schedule), grace (forgiveness offered when each friend falls short) and attention ( keeping open to the possibility of a friendship coming from anywhere). As Beck makes clear, “It’s never too late to meet someone who will be important to you for the rest of your life.”