Perhaps at no other time of year does a lack of friends become so glaring. If you’re not invited to holiday gatherings or not getting together with some buddies for a holiday gift exchange, this can be an especially painful time to acknowledge your loneliness and lack of friendships. Research on friendships published this past summer in PLOS ONE found that while we may be satisfied with the number of friends we have, about 40% of us wish we had a closer relationship with our friends.  But having and maintaining close friendships requires thoughtful, conscious effort, and not all of us may have the time, skills, or money to devote to finding friends. Especially in our current political environment, it may be hard to bridge the divides between us and find common ground on which friendships can be built. Yet instinctively most of us know the value of having good friends in our lives and hope that we can develop and maintain friendships to see us through thick and thin. As one friendship expert makes clear, “A great friend is worth valuing and often can be just as important, if not more so, than family as we age.”

So what does it take to start and build a friendship for the long haul? Friendships may begin by happenstance but they usually take work, and they can take hold “when two people regularly see each other, when they bond over common interests, and when they start to confide in each other.” In fact, sharing personal information, perhaps opening yourself up in a way that leaves you vulnerable, is an important step in creating a bond of trust and opening up a deeper relationship. What are some expert recommendations to hone your skills at developing friendships? Start with small steps and modest expectations: Show up for those you want to befriend so they know they can count on you when the going gets rough and be an active listener. Give them the full attention they deserve so they can be heard and understood. Hopefully, you will get those same acts of kindness and attention in return and a meaningful friendship can emerge. One successful idea published by writer Mikala Jamison in The Atlantic described the group fitness classes she attended as the perfect meeting ground for new friends: You regularly see your classmates, you share in the vulnerability of sweating and striving to keep up together, and you have the common interest in fitness.

To keep friends for the longer term requires strategic planning and commitment. A recent article in the Huffington Post detailed 7 habits that sustain lifelong friends, including showing up for each other when it matters; planning for transitions in the friendship, and then figuring out how to continue to be in each other’s lives (perhaps one of you is moving); remembering what’s happening in your friend’s life and checking in on some of the less obvious events that only good friends would remember; discussing the friendship honestly and directly; and giving yourselves grace and forgiveness as the relationship ebbs and flows (as friendships always do). And if that friendship can’t be sustained and it comes to an end? That can be tough – perhaps even tougher than losing a loved one, as there’s no script to follow when you are mourning the loss of a friendship.  

But not all friendships start with some regular connection and commonality of interests. Sometimes, it takes an outside person or organization to create the right alchemy. For example, NPR recently highlighted some organizations that bring together teens and older adults where connections happen and even friendships blossom. Intergenerational friendships can be beneficial for both parties, introducing each other to ideas and cultural touchstones about which the other was unaware. Organizations like Generations United or websites like Eldera can foster these intergenerational relationships that can then transform into long-term friendships. All of us, young and old, need the mental health benefits that come from meaningful friendships. If it’s a win for both parties, all the better.